Comfort Zone
by Mikha
Summary: Travelling once again together is not easy for Sesshomaru nor Rin. They both need to get used to the people they have become after so many years apart.


As usual, I do not own Inuyasha, Rumiko Takahashi does I only write fanfiction! This story is in the same train of thought as Forgotten, happens a while after. Bit of a drabble, really but hope you enjoy ^_^

As much as he would try to ignore it, the change did bother him. It bothered him, perhaps, because it showed him his own weakness, one he was not willing to show under any circumstances. Since the day they had left the village, he had wondered whether the choice had been the correct one. He had travelled for fifteen years without her, and suddenly, there she was again.

He supposed that, perhaps, he should have left her. Perhaps her life had been easier having settled in a place, leading a human life for so many years, but she had been determined to go, and try as he might, he could not deny he had wanted her by his side, too. To even begin to comprehend the reasons why he had left her in the first place, he would have to search too deep within himself, and this, he also wasn't willing to do. Why should he, a taiyoukai, question his decisions?

No, it could not be born, this situation he was in. But at the same time, the only solution he could find to his conflict was unacceptable. Returning Rin to the village, leaving her again, was not an option.

Perhaps one of the things that bothered him the most was that his own weakness was becoming apparent. Not too apparent, of course, but to Jaken there could be no mistake. The small youkai had travelled with him for long enough to know him, at least on the surface, and Sesshomaru was sure that Jaken had noticed at least some of his behaviour. He had been caught casting a sideways glace at Rin the other morning, when she gathered something to eat. He had been caught watching her as she slept, sprawled on Ah-Un.

He had been caught because the mere act of holding his countenance was difficult like it had never been before. The change in Rin was too obvious to ignore, and part of himself regretted having missed on the last eight years of her life. He wanted to know the new Rin, and that was why he could hardly keep himself still. There was so much to learn, so much to understand!

Physically she hadn't changed much from the last time he had seen her. Her body was fuller, but her hair remained basically the same, down to her waist. She did not wear a bandana like many women did, perhaps in this she was like Sango and Kagome. She wore normal kimonos (at the moment the latest Sesshomaru had procured for her, in deep purple with pink flowers), and comfortable and practical shoes.

Her behaviour, however, had changed. She carried herself differently, and was more reserved than ever. Whereas before she had been carefree and impulsive, she required privacy once in a while. She would disappear for a while, and then turn up again. She did this mostly to bathe, but sometimes also to spend some time by herself.

From the first few weeks since they had resumed their travels, he had noticed a certain pattern in her disappearances, and now, four months on, he could almost predict when she'd be gone for a few days. Jaken always meant to follow her, but Sesshomaru stopped him every time. He had made the mistake of following the first time, only to be forced to quickly return to the village and ungraciously visit his bastard brother and his wife.

The look of confusion on their faces had given way to merriment when he had posed his question. Inuyasha was too smug and entertained to give him an answer, but Kagome had been kinder, and told him that Rin was probably afraid of scaring him. And never before had Sesshomaru been made so aware to the fact that Rin was a female human.

He now understood why Rin disappeared for a few days every month. He could always tell where she was, but when she returned, he pretended not to notice. He had learned over the last few months to recognize the signs, to recognize the way her scent changed over the month, the way her body changed. He could see small details that Jaken, and even Rin herself missed.

And all of this made him want to know more about her, but the Rin travelling with him now was secretive to some degree. Never having been one for much conversation, Sesshomaru did not prompt her with questions, and usually made do with whatever Jaken asked of her. Through that he had learned that Kohaku was also a family man, now, and lived not far from the village with his wife and sons. He had learned about Rin's duties at the village, her interactions with the villagers and people outside, her relationship with his brother and friends…

But still, he did not feel it was enough to know the woman she had become. To get to know her truly he'd have to ask outright, but asking outright would mean getting out of his shell, opening up to her, and he wasn't sure he was comfortable with that. Perhaps what he was waiting for was for her to confide in him, but she was not being forthcoming.

As she left one morning, he decided to follow at a distance. To remain inconspicuous, he had sent Jaken on a errand with Ah-Un. Rin had walked along the river bank for a while, until she had found a place where the water made shallow pools. Sesshomaru observed her as she removed her yukata and lowered herself into the water in a shift. He noticed then that her breasts were bound, and he wondered why. Maybe it was for comfort, maybe it was for practicality. He did not know.

She sat there in the crystalline water for a while, singing to herself, letting the sun wash her face and body through the water. The way he saw her, she seemed at peace. Perhaps he should respect her privacy and leave. Yes, that was a good idea. Turning quietly, he left the spot and walked back to the clearing, where he sat against the trees and closed his eyes. He did not normally rest, but once in a while, he found a bit of down time to be just what he needed.

At length, Rin returned. She found Sesshomaru still against the tree, and walked closer to him. He opened his eyes and observed her moves, the way the fabric of her kimono moved, felt the tension of her muscles, and the change in the air when she was near. Her scent was all around him.

He looked at her intently, and then rose, scaring her slightly. He was still so much taller than her.

"What is it? Do you wish to tell me something?"

Suddenly, her calm demeanor changed, and he could see fear in her eyes. Fear that was quickly giving way to panic. He didn't quite know what to expect.

"Are you sending me back?" she asked. "Is that it? Is that what you wish to tell me?"

"No…!" Her panic was quickly taking over him, and he felt his self-control near breaking point when she looked at him with those pleading eyes. "No, of course not."

The relief was evident in her eyes, in the manner of her body language, and he wished to comfort her, to assure her that it wasn't that what occupied his mind. He wanted to know so much, but found no words to ask.

"You are different," he said at last.

"I'm old," she replied, and a veil of sadness came over her eyes. "I'm not a little girl anymore."

"No, you're not."

"Is that bad? Do you find that disagreeable?"

"No. Just different."

She half smiled.

"Is it strange for you?" he asked. "Travelling with me again."

"A bit, yes," she admitted. She chuckled, sitting down against the tree herself. "Mostly because I don't know how to act around you. I don't think I cared much when I was little, I had blind faith in your regard for me."

"And now?"

"Now I don't want to lose it, so I have to be careful."

It somehow disturbed him that she felt the need to be careful around him. Could he not make her feel at ease, as he did before? He wanted to sit down next to her, but at the same time, he knew he should remain standing, lest he might show his weakness to her. Or any of the many youkai in the area, for that matter. They usually stayed clear of him, but were he to show weakness, they would surely attack.

Rin was looking into the distance now, her arms hugging her bent knees. In that position, she did remind him of the young Rin, as she sat to wait for him. A soft wind blew, moving her hair to one side.

"If feels like…" she said. "It feels like I have to mind what I say, or do."

"Why?"

"I don't want to upset you. I don't feel nor think the same way I did when I was younger, and I'm not entirely sure you'd like the me now."

This was the moment. He had to see it through. But… Jaken was coming, he was approaching at a steady pace, and while he was still a while away, Sesshomaru wasn't sure he'd get to the bottom of it before his return. Still, he had to get what he could.

"Do you wish you had stayed in the village?" he asked.

"What?" She looked up. "No! No, not at all. I'm happy to be back with you. I'm happy to see the world again. But there are some things to which I got used to, like taking care of people, and…"

Where was she going with that?

"… silly as it sounds, I feel the need to take care of you."

His blank stare should have been enough of a response. And it was.

"I know," she chickled again, "silly me. You don't need taking care of. I daresay you are taking care of me, as usual."

"Then?"

"Then what?"

What's wrong? Was the correct continuation, but somehow Sesshomaru couldn't make himself ask. Jaken was too close for comfort now, and not only him. Other youkai lurked in the shadows, measuring his every move.

"Then what, Sesshomaru-sama?"

He did not say more, and not two minutes later, Jaken and Ah-Un were back. It was time to continue on their journey.

Rin had no idea where they were going. It had been a few weeks, since that weird conversation with Sesshomaru, that they had started travelling non-stop now. He hardly ever sent Jaken on errands these days, and very rarely would she find herself alone with him. It bothered her to think that their conversation had not been finished. She could feel that there was something he had wanted to say, but decided not to at the last minute.

Had it been Jaken's return? For a while she thought it had been that, and had tried to create situations where they would be alone so they could talk. But Sesshomaru wasn't forthcoming. The silent wall that he had always been was firmly in place. In a way, he felt more detached to her than he had been all those years ago. Perhaps something did bother him about her, and he was looking for a way out of their arrangement.

And it hurt. It hurt because, as strange as it was for her to be back with him, she did not want to leave. She had missed him all those years, and having him back in her life was a joy she could not describe. Having this youkai close to her was a blessing, and she felt protected by him, by Jaken, by Ah-Un. Giving it all up again would not nice.

A sort of distraction had taken place three weeks earlier, when they stumbled upon Kohaku, who was on his way home from a hunt. His son sat before him on Kirara, a boy of about seven, who looked a lot like his father. She had been happy to see them, and Sesshomaru had agreed to stop for the afternoon to let them converse. He hadn't talked much himself, but when the boy had approached him, he had not pushed him away.

It was funny to see the boy standing in awe in his presence, walking circles around him, watching him carefully. Sesshomaru cast one glance at him, then kept looking forward. Rin could see the boy was aching to make contact, but knew better than to lay his hands on a taiyoukai.

"Do not disturb Sesshomaru-sama, Hiro," Kohaku said.

"He's so BIG!" the boy exclaimed, gesturing with his hands. "I had never seen a taiyoukai so close before! He's not dangerous?"

Rin noticed Sesshomaru's left eyebrow going up.

"Of course he is," Kohaku said. "He is the strongest youkai I've ever met."

"Ever? What about that bad one? Wasn't Naraku stronger?"

Kohaku had considered this for a moment, then shaken his head. Rin understood what he was about to say.

"Naraku was more powerful because of the Shikon no Tama. He acquired powers by stealing them. Sesshomaru-sama is not like that. All his power is rightfully his own."

"His sword," Rin added, "Bakusaiga. It's an extension of him. It was born of his body."

"He's the father of a sword?" the boy was surprised, and both Rin and Kohaky laughed. Rin had never thought of it like that, but she supposed in a way that was true. Bakusaiga was Sesshomaru's child, perhaps the only one he'd ever have.

'Unless some female inu youkai turns up eventually…' And that thought hurt. Perhaps all she could do was pray that, by the time that happened, she'd be dead already, so she didn't have to live through that. She was sure there would be youkai attached to him again. As she had grown up, she had understood that, while as a child she had missed it, Kagura had had strong feelings for Sesshomaru. Whether he shared them or not was not possible to know, but he had gone to her just before she died. He had been with her in her last moments.

"Don't touch that!" Jaken's voice startled all, and Rin turned in time to see a very scared Hiro dropping the fur stole to the ground. "Bloody kids! Have no respect whatsoever for…"

"Jaken!" Sesshomaru's voice cut him through. "Be quiet."

His voice scared Hiro more, but Sesshomaru had walked away then. Rin was quick to say goodbye to Kohaku and Hiro, and had followed suit with Jaken and Ah-Un.

"Say hi to everyone in the village!" she called over her shoulder.

"What should I tell them when they ask me how you are?" Kohaku asked.

"Tell them the truth!"

That had been it, and afterwards Rin had wondered whether it had been the right choice of words. What if Kohaku's impression was different from what she felt? What if the others were alarmed? Surely they wouldn't…

But Shippou's appearance now was sudden, and she could see Sesshomaru wasn't exactly pleased to see him. The young youkai had hugged Rin and delivered a long letter to her. He hadn't stayed long, as he had training to do, but he had given Sesshomaru one meaningful look and then scrammed.

"What's that?" Jaken asked, walking closer. "What did he want?"

"It's a letter," Rin said, unrolling the scroll. "From Kagome-sama."

She took one look at Sesshomaru, and could see he wasn't precisely happy with that. But why? Did he fear the same thing she did? That Kohaku had told them something that wasn't exactly true?

"We're moving on," Sesshomaru said and kept walking.

Rin sighed, and sitting on Ah-Un, set up to read the letter that had so disturbed Sesshomaru.

It wasn't right. Something about that letter just wasn't right. Whatever was in it, it rubbed Sesshomaru the wrong way. Not only did it seem unusually long, but it smelled of four very distinct people. Ha! Letter from Kagome. Sure. With appendixes from the taijiya and the monk… even his poor excuse of a brother had had a hand in it. Who would have known that he could write…

What disturbed Sesshomaru the most was Rin's expression as she read. There were passages in which she was clearly surprised, even exasperated. At times she even let out cryptic comments such as: "I'm not…!" and "Why would they think that I…?" and "Argh!" And each expression made him wish he could see what was in that letter even more. As she finally finished, she looked a bit lost, and a bit frustrated. He'd have wished to read that letter, and then tear each and every one of the writers to pieces. And Kohaku too, for good measure. Surely this was all his fault!

His instinct was to ask what it was about, and he had started turning to do just that when he stopped himself. Was he insane? He should not show weakness like that. He should not make it so obvious he was disturbed. He should not…

"What is it, Rin?" Jaken asked, and Sesshomaru let out a silent sigh of relief. If Jaken asked, it was alright.

"Nothing, Jaken-sama," she had said quickly, stuffing the letter down the front of her kimono. "She's just telling me about the kids, that's all."

Sure. And I'm the leader of the neko youkai.

As they stopped for the night, Sesshomaru stood by a rather large tree with his arms closed. Morning would come soon and they would continue, but for now, Rin slept a few metres away, cuddled up to Ah-Un, while Jaken stoked a fire. Sesshomaru could hear the wood and flames crackling in the night, and the faint insects that got too close and were burned.

He wanted to know what that letter said, but how could he? Would it be appropriate to search her and find the letter? Would it…? What was that noise? Turning around the tree, he found Jaken leaning over Rin. Rage came over him, and he sent the green whip, which wrapped around the youkai's legs and pulled him away, until he hung upside down in front of him.

"Sesshomaru-sama!"

"Jaken, what are you doing?" His tone was deadly.

"I was just…" Jaken pushed the letter to his face. "… looking for this."

Sesshomaru let go, causing Jaken to fall on his face on the ground, letter still in hand. He stood up quickly and dusted himself.

"Gave a right fright, Sesshomaru-sama," he said. "For a moment there I thought she'd wake up."

"Put it back."

"Huh?"

"Put it back where you found it."

Why was he not taking the opportunity Jaken so conveniently had created? What was stopping him?

"But Sesshomaru-sama! You wanted to know what was in it! I took it for you!" And it disturbed Sesshomaru to realize Jaken had seen right through him. Once again, Jaken had proved him that his weakness was more obvious than should be allowed. The little youkai was holding the letter up for him to take again. "My Lord…"

In a fluid motion, Sesshomaru snatched the letter from Jaken's hands, and raised it up to his eyes, unscrolled. As impassive as he wanted to remain, he could not deny nor hide his disturbance. His brow furrowed, and he could feel Jaken trembling at his side. Quickly, he finished reading it, rolled it again and handed it back to Jaken without looking.

"Put it back."

"Y… yes, Sesshomaru-sama!"

Rin felt something was odd. Ever since she had woken up and they had resumed their travelling, Sesshomaru had been unusually cold. Sure, he was always cold, but that morning he had not even looked at her, and he seemed conflicted. It wasn't normal to see him conflicted, let alone for Rin herself to see it. Something had happened in the night. Something that had made him change radically. He hadn't even been too aggressive with Jaken, as he usually was. And he was also a bit more destructive of the surrounding fauna. Something was definitely up.

When she couldn't stand it anymore, she got off Ah-Un and walked towards Sesshomaru. He did not really acknowledge her, so she walked next to him for a while. It was a long while, but he still did not acknowledge her, so she kept walking. She stole glances at him at first, but then she looked at him full on, being quite obvious about it, trying to get a response from him.

And still, nothing.

She wouldn't give up, though. She'd get it out of him no matter what it took. She would…

"Ah!" Her foot caught in a raised root, and she fell down hard, scraping her hands. "Oh, no!"

"Rin!" Jaken was at her side at once, checking her hands, and Sesshomaru offered her his arm to stand up. She did, but could not take one step without the pain running through her leg. "Your foot?"

"I think it's twisted," Rin said, sitting down again and checking her ankle with her hands. It hurt a lot to touch it.

"It's broken," Sesshomaru said, looking down at her. "I heard."

"Great…" She shook her head. So intent in getting to the bottom of the situation she had been, that she managed to mess it up even more. "Ah-Un," she called, and the youkai approached. Grabbing onto the mount, she tried to get up. There'd be no walking for her for a while.

"Do you know how to fix that?" Jaken asked.

"I can try," she said, wincing as she managed to get to her other foot, "but it's Kagome-sama who is the expert."

She was about to attempt a jump on Ah-Un, when she felt Sesshomaru's arms picking her up from the ground. In a dizzying and blinding movement, she was enveloped in a sphere of light, and felt like she was travelling unnaturally fast. She closed her eyes, grabbing on to the neckline of Sesshomaru's robes. How long they travelled, she did not know, but when he suddenly stopped, descending to the ground softly, she could hear familiar activity.

"Rin-sama!" someone exclaimed, and she opened her eyes to find herself in the middle of a rice field. The workers were people from the village! Why had Sesshomaru brought her here? Was he going to leave her? Something had definitely happened the night before, and now he was taking her back so she wouldn't interfere with whatever it was. "Are you alright?"

"I…"

"Kagome," Sesshomaru said, looking at the villager with his cold eyes.

"Ah…. Yes! Yes, she's here… Kagome-sama!" He called out without turning his back on Sesshomaru, clearly afraid of him. A few rows away, Kagome was tending to someone who had suffered from heatstroke, but quickly finished and joined the others.

"Rin-chan!" she said. "Sesshomaru-oniisan."

Rin felt the grunt inside of him. He didn't like to be called that, especially not by Inuyasha's wife.

"What happened?"

"Broke my ankle," Rin said, pointing to her right foot. Now that she saw it, it was purple and swollen.

"Oh, right! Come on, then."

She guided them back to the village and to her hut. Sesshomaru set Rin down on the porch while Kagome went in to get her kit. She always had weird things in there, and Rin always wondered at the modern medicine. Every time Kagome used something from her time, she would ask the person to return the supplies once they were done, she didn't want to leave trace of it, and disposed of it in her time when she visited her parents. But she only resorted to that kind of medicine when nothing else worked.

Sesshomaru stood aside as Kagome tested the movements of the foot. It was painful, and Rin did her best not to scream, but she cried quietly. It all became better when Kagome started making the cast around her ankle, the foot now still. It took a while, but when Kagome was finished, Rin felt a lot better.

"Thank you, Kagome-sama."

"No problem, Rin-chan." Kagome sat next to her, and then took her hand. "Did you get our letter?"

"I did, thank you."

"So what do you think?"

"I think you are exaggerating a bit."

"Are we?" And Kagome gave Sesshomaru a meaningful look.

"Yes, you are! How can you even think that?"

"It's not what I had thought. It's what Kohaku saw."

"And you believe it!"

"Must say I do. More now than I did before."

"Kagome-sama, you can't be serious." She was so flustered, that she almost missed Sesshomaru walking away from them. "Sesshomaru-sama…!"

"I'll be back the day after tomorrow."

And he disappeared in a sphere of light.

She denied it. She denied it indignantly. Like she should, of course, but it bothered him that she denied it so passionately. It also bothered him that Kagome had put more weight into her words, no longer Kohaku's opinion, but also her own impression from that hour they had been there. Kagome was too observant for her own good.

That letter. It had kept him from talking to Rin all day. He knew she had noticed the change in him, and he knew he should have addressed the problem, but he couldn't do it, and had found that ignoring it was an easier way to deal with it. Things had definitely been more simple when Rin had been a child. Whatever her thoughts, they were those of a child and did not affect him much. The most outrageous thing she'd ever said to him was to remember her when she was dead. The Rin now demanded so much more, but didn't even say so.

What's more, she denied it. She denied needing him. She denied loving him.

And yet, everyone else thought it was clear.

Everyone.

Kagome had even speculated in the letter that he, Sesshomaru, might have similar feelings for her. What business was it of hers? And how could she even suggest that? If there was something Sesshomaru had hated about his father was the fact that he had loved a human, and given so much for her.

It was true, though, that once Rin entered his life all bets were off. He would have faced any danger (and constantly did) placed before him to ensure her safety. He had been hurt in levels he could not imagine possible when Rin had died in the meidou. He had truly believed he had lost her, and for the first time in his life actually hated himself.

He had never given much thought to what Rin meant to him, but ever since reading that letter, he had been considering not only his feelings, but also his behaviour. There were conflicts within himself. Conflicts that were blatantly obvious. He had the contradicting images of the child he had protected, and the woman who had waited for him all those years and now travelled with him. It was the same person, but his perception of her was different. What was more, her perception of him was different too.

Then there was the fact that she was human, and if he were ever to be truly with her, it could result in a hanyou. And that he didn't see how he could accept. Not when he loathed Inuyasha so much. At the same time, he knew that if he ever wanted to be with Rin, the risk was too high. No, regardless of what he could feel for her (and he wasn't allowing himself to think about it), he could never act on it.

And with that knowledge, came the realization that perhaps he should leave Rin at the village.

The day after tomorrow. He had said the day after tomorrow, and he hadn't shown. Not that day, not the next, not the week after. He had not come back for her. He had left her again. And this time, it hurt much more than the last time, because this time, she actually believed he'd come for her, that he wouldn't abandon her again. But he hadn't come back.

She lay on the floor in her hut, tears streaming down her cheeks, in an almost catatonic state. How could he have left her again? What had happened that night? Why had he suddenly rejected her in such a way? Why…?

It was too much. It was too much to bear. Once more she was the unwanted child. Once more she had lost that which she loved the most. The one she loved the most.

Why deny it? It was true. She had been too outraged by the letter when she had first read it, denying whatever it held in it. Sesshomaru was her guardian, in any case she should have regarded him like a father, if anything. But the truth was, even as a little girl, Sesshomaro had been her platonic love. She had wished to be with him forever, and the true reason she had turned down any suitors in her twenty-three years of life had been because her heart belonged to another. She had refused to give herself to anyone else, to love anyone else, because nobody mattered to her as much as Sesshomaru.

She had not told him. In fact, she had not told anyone, but one of her suitors had been Kohaku, many years ago. She had been fifteen at the time, and she had turned him down, as she was sure that the next year she would leave with Sesshomaru again. She had never known if Kohaku had been serious in his proposal, as he had married his now wife soon after.

But the truth remained that she had been left behind, by everyone. Her parents and brother had been killed and left her alone. Sesshomaru had given up on her. Kaede was dead. What did she have left now? Without disrespect for Kaede, she had never wanted to end up alone. She was surrounded by people who had loved ones, and she had had someone to love. She never imagined that the result would be this one.

"Rin."

His voice startled her, and she sat up abruptly. The cast was still firmly on her foot, so her movements were somewhat restricted.

"Sesshomaru-sama…" She could hardly believe her eyes, but she had stood up as best she could and thrown herself into his arms. "Sesshomaru-sama…"

"Does it hurt?"

"Not more than thinking you wouldn't come back."

He said nothing.

"Sesshomaru-sama… before I lose the courage to ask you… what happened that night? What happened the night before I broke my ankle? Was there a youkai? Did you fight?"

"I read the letter."

"You read the… what? How?" She could not believe that, and wasn't sure she was okay with it. "Did you take it from me?"

"Jaken."

"He read it too?"

"No."

"So… you know what they think… and that is why…" She turned to the side, letting go off him and limping to the wall. She leaned against it and looked back at Sesshomaru. She needed to see his face. "That is why you wouldn't talk to me…"

"Yes."

"You think it's true."

"I know it's true."

"Yes, it is true. It has always been true." She chuckled sadly. "So where does that leave us? Is this the part where you tell me you'll leave again without me? Or that you find my feelings unacceptable because I am merely a human?"

"No."

"Then?"

He walked closer to her, and slid his right hand through her hair, his left resting on her cheek. She closed her eyes, enjoying the contact, and held her breath waiting for him to talk.

He had never touched her like that, had never allowed himself to do it. But there she was, opening her heart to him, and she deserved the same kindness from him. What did he want? He didn't know what he wanted, but he knew what he did not want. He did not want to live without her. There were many things that were meaningless without her. Power, an empire, all that wasn't worth it without Rin. It wasn't important, and he could easily give it all up, he had found, were she to ask him to.

"Can you accept me as I am?"

She looked at him and nodded.

"Even if it might mean never having a child?"

She nodded again.

"Ever."

"You don't want a hanyou, like Inuyasha-sama."

"No."

"I know that."

"And you are still willing to go with me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, even though I am merely human and mortal, I don't want to face an eternity without you. I'd rather live a short life by your side, than a long one alone."

He nodded, and surprising her, pulled her into a hug, embracing her strongly, like he only had when he had presumed her dead. He held her against him, his right hand still in her hair, his body enveloping hers. He would not let her go again.


End file.
